I am..
by FigFan
Summary: Some Josh musing..


Title: I am--Josh  
Author: FigFan  
Summary: A look at post-2C life from Josh's eyes.  
Spoilers: Oh dear. Okay. ITSOTG, Noel, TFGKY, 2C... I'm sure there are more. It's just the usual suspects. :)  
Disclaimer: They SO AREN'T MINE. ::points to Aaron Sorkin:: His.  
Authors Notes: First of all, DO NOT laugh at me because I mentioned Nsync in this story. I'm not willing to get into any arguments. And thanks to Kat who lets me feed lines to her and doesn't laugh when I tell her the voices are talking to me again.   
  
Feedback is almost as good as Josh. Send it. FigFan2002@yahoo.com  
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I am the Deputy Chief of Staff.  
  
I am the Deputy Chief of Staff and I have no idea what's going on.  
  
It's been 3 months, 28 days, and 30 minutes since the President announced he was seeking re-election. Donna's been keeping me up to date with that statistic, although I have a hunch she's getting the numbers from Toby, who's been walking around like hell has frozen over.  
  
What am I saying? Hell *has* frozen over. The President has concealed a degenerative disease, is facing Senate hearings, but still wants to be President for another four years. Of course our inital reaction was sheer exuberance. Donna and Margaret squealing from the back of the crowd, CJ trying to contain herself as she walked back to the podium to address the press once again...  
  
But now it's 3 months, 28 days, and 30 minutes later, and we're all tired as hell.  
  
"Donna!!!" I bellow from the depths of my office, "I need coffee!!"  
  
She walks in, already scolding me before the door has even closed. "You know, Joshua, I've slept just as much as you have in the past week."   
  
"Can I have my caffeinated beverage, the Meyers report, and an assistant who isn't quite such a pain in the ass??" I look up at her and realize that wasn't the right thing to say. "Donna.. I'm sorry. It's just that it's been 3 months and 28 days and-"  
  
"-and nothing is falling into place." She finishes my sentence for me.   
  
"Yeah."   
  
She puts the coffee down on my desk and continues. "You guys wouldn't have let him run again if you didn't think he could do it. You know that, I know that, Leo knows that, and most of all the President knows that."  
  
I can't think of anything to say, so I just take a sip of my coffee and nod. She's right, but right now everything is just so damn frustrating.   
  
"I'm going down to the thing if you need me.." She flashes a slight smile and walks out the door as CJ walks in.  
  
As optimistic and reassuring Donna's words are, I take a look at CJ and start to worry. She's got the most to lose, and if she saw what she did on the campaign trail 3 years ago, well, it's gonna be rough.   
  
"Josh.. we have a problem," she starts.  
  
"Do we ever not have a problem?!" I snap back. It's almost a reflex response. We've been though so much shit, I'm not sure if I remember what good news is. She recoils from my response, and for the second time in 10 minutes I find myself apologizing. "CJ.."  
  
"Josh, are you okay?" She cuts me off, and I'm taken aback by her question.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean, with everything that's been going on..." She waves her hands around for emphasis. "Everyone has asked if the President is okay, but what about you?"  
  
I take a moment to answer, letting her question sink in. I've completely forgotten that its going to be a year in 4 days. Which I suppose is good. I'm supposed to move on. Everyone else has. "Yeah. I'm fine. So what's the problem?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You came in here with a problem. What is it?"  
  
CJ's hands are now messing with her hair, which is never a good sign. "Sam's got on the N'Sync again."  
  
I look at her in disbelief, trying to form an answer thats not flippant and cruel. Screw it.  
"Well CJ, I'm sure the Backstreet Boys will be very upset that he stood them up.."  
  
"Josh, this is serious! Do you remember what happened the last time?"  
  
"There was a last time?" I'm trying to remember, and I can't seem to think of a last time. And I'm sure if there was I would have remembered it, if only for the fact that I would never let him live it down.   
  
"I'm going to talk to Toby.." She gets up from the chair and looks me in the eye. "Josh?"  
  
"Yeah?" I'm preparing for a crack about my music tastes, but that's not what comes.   
  
"If you need to talk, I'm here. And I always will be. Promise me you will. "   
  
I've apologized to two women tonight, and those same two women have left me speechless. And that's pretty hard to do.  
  
I hold CJ's gaze and realize she's waiting for me to answer. "I promise."   
  
"Okay." She leaves my office and I get back to the matter at hand.   
  
Sam and N'Sync? What the hell? Come to think of it, I do remember Donna mentioning something about him getting depressed and turning on the CD. He had given it to Bonnie as a gag gift for her birthday, but somehow it ended up in his desk drawer. I think some more and then it hits me.   
  
Donna had found Sam in his office about 4 days after the shooting listening to it. I was still in the ICU, the President had just been released, and things were as normal as they could be under the circumstances. Except for Sam. He was still shaken up, and doing the morning shows hadn't helped. Donna told me later that she had to talk him out of some pretty scary stuff and-  
  
Shit.   
  
I race out of my office, nearly bowling over Leo in the process. "What the hell Josh??" he calls after me, but I ignore him and keep heading towards my destination.   
  
I reach his office and watch him for a few minutes. He's got headphones on, and his head is subtlely bobbing to the beat. If this were any other time I would make fun of him. No, I probably still will. But I remember CJ's words and knock on the door.   
  
He snaps his head up at the sound and takes off his headphones.  
  
"So, is it the curly haired one, or the one with the dyed hair that does it for you?" I ask, with a false tone of levity in my voice. I can feel the knot in my stomach though. I wonder if this is how they all felt during Christmas time.   
  
He gives me a quizzical look and I take this as my cue to grab a seat on his couch. "Sam, what's going on?"  
  
Another quizzical look. Or maybe it's still the first one. Im not sure.  
  
"Nothing," he replies, "Why??"  
  
"Well Sam, I'm going to break this to you gently, but you're listening to N'Sync. And I know you're young, but you're not that young. Or that stupid."  
  
"It's actually very good music." He won't look at me.  
  
"Sam." I stand up and start pacing around his office. There are files strewn about, medical records, transcripts of press briefings, and none of them are good. I pick up one and start skimming through it.  
  
"You should really try listening to some of this. It's a great relaxer. And-"  
  
I decide to give up on easing my way into the topic. "Dammit, Sam!!" I throw the file onto his desk and stare at him. "Donna told me about the last time you did this! So stop playing cute and tell me what the hell is the matter!"   
  
He goes pale as he finally looks at me. "She told you?"   
  
I try to calm down a bit as I start to explain. "Yes. She did. She was worried about you. And I would have been too, except I was on a *respirator* at the time!"   
  
So much for calming down.   
  
I put my hand on my forehead and take a breath. Sam hasn't said a word, but at least he's turned the damn CD off. I run my hand through my hand and continue again. "But I'm here now, and she's not, so I'm the one worried. You're not going to try and pull any crazy shit on me. I am going to close the door, sit down, and we are going to talk."   
  
"Okay."   
  
I really am worried. I sit on the couch again and motion him to sit next to me, but he remains rooted in his desk chair. I wait for him to talk.   
  
After a few minutes he finally does. "He's running for re-election. Isn't that what we wanted?"   
  
"Yes, it's what we wanted. It's what we still want."   
  
"So why the hell is everyone acting like this is something we're being forced to do?!"  
  
I really don't have an answer for him. So I use my supreme logistical skills and come up with the most... logical answer. "We have to get through these hearings first."   
  
"Why can't we do both at the same time?"   
  
Y'know, I hadn't really thought of this. Everyone has been locked into damage control, making sure that the years we have left in this term don't go completely to waste.   
  
He looks up again and I see that fire in his eyes. I brace myself for his oncoming rant.   
  
"Why can't we focus on both? Why can't we say to the people, 'Hey, we're trying to move on from this, and we think you should too.'? Show them that we're doing good things, and that there is more to life than the old white men on the Senate! You know 110,000 people logged onto the Today Show website to participate in a poll asking whether or not the President should be impeached. Damn if half of them come out to vote on Election Day. We should be out there. We should be showing them what we can still do. What we *will* still do."   
  
He slumps back in his chair and starts to pick up the headphones again. I walk around to the back of his desk and squeeze his shoulder. "We're gonna show them what we've got. Give it a few more weeks, and we're gonna show everyone."   
  
At least I hope it's a few more weeks.   
  
"I'm gonna go talk to Leo," I say, feeling a little better about Sam and his predicament. I'm fairly sure he's not going to go jump out the window or anything.   
  
I leave his office and head towards Leo's. On the way I notice Donna slumped over on her desk, fast asleep. Damn. I make a mental note to bring some pillows up from where everyone has been sleeping the past few months and move on.   
  
I reach Leo's office and find Margaret sitting at her desk, typing.   
  
"Is he in?"   
  
She answers me without looking up. "I don't know."   
  
It amazes me that while we have some of the best assistants in the country, none of them ever know if their bosses are in the office or not. Maybe she's been taking lessons from Donna.   
  
I try again. "Is Leo in his office?"  
  
"Josh, the Senate is trying to beat us into the ground, the American People hate us, and the President thinks this is no big deal. Did you think I was out playing golf?"  
  
Well. There's my answer.   
  
I stop and lean against the doorframe. "Nah, I always thought cricket was more your game."   
  
"Is there any reason for you being here other than to annoy me?"   
  
"Actually. Yes." I walk in all the way and stand in front of his desk. "Why aren't we focusing on re-election?"   
  
Leo looks at me like I've asked why the sky is blue. "What the hell, Josh?"  
  
"Re-election. Shouldn't we be starting this already? Before the 30% of Americans who still believe in us give up and move onto someone else?"   
  
"It's 4 in the morning. Do we have to have this conversation now?"  
  
I answer him before he can say anything else. "Yes."   
  
He sits down in his chair and rests his hand on his head.  
  
"Why shouldn't we?" I take a breath and continue. "CJ hasn't gone home in 2 weeks, Toby is about to strangle every person in Justice, and Sam-"  
  
"Sam's what?" He happens to walk in the door at that moment. I have great timing. Really.   
  
I turn around to look at him. He looks more in control of himself than he did 15 minutes ago. "Why can't we have him give a statement? One speech. No one *believes* he's willing to run because the White House has been hiding from everything!"   
  
Leo looks at me, then back at Sam. "Sam, the President doesn't have time to give the country a pick-me-up."  
  
"One stop. It can be 10 minutes on the Disney Channel for all I care. We need to do something." When Sam sets his sights on something, he doesn't stop until it's finished.  
  
"I think we'd have more luck on MTV. The kids watching the Disney Channel can't vote." CJ has now entered the room as well. Toby follows behind her, clearly not wanting to be here.   
  
"Leo..." Toby starts, but I cut him off before he can complain about the latest thing.  
  
"Let's do it."   
  
"Do what?" CJ asks.   
  
I look at Sam and can tell he's feeling the same thing I am right now. That feeling where for a moment you're invincible, and you remember why you took this job in the first place.   
  
"Do what?" CJ repeats herself and this time annoyance creeps into her voice. She doesn't like being left out.  
  
"Let's show America that we can focus on two things at once. Show them that we have the capability to do that. Leo, you said once before we needed to raise the level of public debate in this country. I don't think we can accomplish that by sitting in our offices waiting to see what's going to happen. So let's..." I trail off and think of an appropriate ending.   
  
"Bring it on." Sam finishes for me.   
  
"Bring it on." I repeat, and turn to CJ for confirmation.   
  
She gives us her patented "Let's kick some ass" smirk and repeats our new mantra.  
  
"Toby?" Leo asks.  
  
"Yeah. What they said."   
  
"All right then," Leo says, hiding the faintest trace of a smile. "Bring it on."   
  
I look at the clock and it brings me out of my motivational haze. "Anything else that can't wait until later?" It's 4:30, and I'm supposed to be back in the office by 6:30. Not that I ever leave, but it's the principle of it.   
  
"Get outta here. And for god's sake, everyone get some sleep."   
  
Toby grumbles something about misfiled Justice papers as he leaves, and CJ, Sam, and myself soon follow.   
  
"You going down?" I ask Sam, who can barely keep his eyes open.  
  
"No, I have some more work to do and-" Just then CJ glares at him and he quickly changes his answer. "On the other hand, yeah, I think I could use some sleep."   
  
I hold back a laugh as I think about how much power CJ really has over us. We pass by Donna's desk again and she's still there, using a folder as a pillow.   
  
"I'll meet you two down there, don't start the slumber party without me."   
  
"Oh, we wouldn't dream of it. You know I need to paint your toenails." CJ shoots back and they walk towards the stairs.   
  
I walk behind Donna's desk and tap her on the shoulder. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty.."   
  
She grunts something unintelligible at me so I tap harder.   
  
"Yes Josh, I do know I have to be ready for the day in 2 hours or else you'll fire me for the seventh time." It amazes me how she can be so coherent while well.. sleeping.  
  
"I would never do such a thing," I say, with mock indignation in my voice. "But Donna, seriously. Come downstairs. There's an extra couch down there, and if you're lucky Toby might give you a pillow."   
  
"Okay." She gathers her stuff and follows me down the stairs.  
  
We have to be awake in an hour and a half, and it's been 3 months, 28 days, and 5 hours since we started this whole thing. And I can bet that it will be more than 3 months, 28 days, and 5 hours before it's all over.  
  
But I am the Deputy Chief of Staff, and we have a plan.   
  
  
  



End file.
